I have not been a pretty momma this week-- and no, I'm not even talking 'looks'. It has been a terrible, rotten week for moods and behaviors on all fronts and I don't even have a good excuse. (Which makes it feel even worse.) No one has lost a job, a family member, nor have we run out of money to buy food. Those would be great excuses to have a terrible week, but, no, the Cable's are still blessed in all of those ways. I can't even blame it on being overly stressed by one cause or another because, well, frankly, anxiety has been a stranger. So what gives?
Monday was a holiday and no one had school. We met my parents in St. Clairsville and looked at campers to buy. It was fun. Leila was not fun. It started then. The whole, 'we can't go anywhere and enjoy ourselves!' pout and fury that crawls inside my head sometimes and takes hold of my demeanor. I couldn't eat my lunch, I couldn't go into one store for 5 minutes, I couldn't do anything without my little girl climbing all over my leg, my lap, my attitude and making darn sure I knew that she was in a foul mood. It's so taxing.
My little girl slept all the way home, was carried inside to bed, and slept another three hours. My little girl just needed to sleep. But, her mother was already spent and the week had yet to begin:
Too much to do, not enough time to do it. Homework for Austin, homework for me, sight words for Gage, sinus colds, laundry, cooking, packing lunches, planning meals-- it just piled up all in one minute and I broke. We survived Tuesday, but I was still spent. Sad. Lost. Totally under water.
With bed time fights returning and all night interruptions going on, Wednesday didn't look up at all. I was unprepared for work, for a presentation, for being able to even feed myself. Coming home was no relief even though I had made it through the day-- dinner hadn't even been started, thought of, nor had either child been given the 'come home from school/babysitter' routine. Austin was on the phone. It, again, all landed in my lap.
I wasn't mad at Austin; he has every right to answer and speak to a ringing phone. It was just the straw that broke my already rotten day. I threw together a dinner that my family loved and that I hated (I never get to eat what makes me feel good to eat... it's just not kid nor man friendly, I guess) and while I was ready to suck up that disappointment, the fury really hit the fan as Leila could not, for the life of her, pull it together and quit screaming, whining, demanding... it was baaaad.
She was sent to bed and I went to mine and cried. Then I yelled at Gage and cried about that. Then I just cried. Moments later we all made up, finished eating, and made it through until bed time, but I felt scarred and broken... again. These are the days that literally take it all out of me-- to find the strength to pull it together, to take a deep breath, to put one foot in front of the other....
Thursday-- Leila had to be peeled off me at the babysitter's house. She didn't want to stay. She didn't want me to leave. I've been going through these departures off and on between the two kids for almost six years. It was one day during one week that impacted me so deeply that I almost quit my job on arrival. Being pulled-- in 200 directions-- every single day and the most important pull is always my child. It is so difficult to remind myself that she's fine 10 minutes after I leave, that she's forgotten it, that she's just trying to push buttons. Sometimes I just don't buy it. Sometimes the inner demon tries to convince me that I am the bad mother who should be at home with her-- every day. But, it's not true, and I know it. But not on Thursday.
I was almost scared to come home to the evening madness that was sure to ensue just as it had every other night of this week. But, just as quickly as a tantrum can begin, so can the tides of love. Upon arrival--with dinner in hand (including grape leaves for me!) the waves of love and excitement came at me with two children who washed themselves all over me and volunteered to help put away groceries, who became ecstatic to find the chocolate doughnuts, who sat themselves down at the table and ate up everything-- no fighting, no whining, no anything but complacency and happiness.... all evening long.
In a blink, a terrible, rotten week was behind me. In a blink, my entire demeanor changed back to happiness and gratefulness. It wasn't all because they were 'bad' and then they weren't. It wasn't all because I was grumpy and then I wasn't. It is so hard to explain how the rains can pour and pour and then be over, but just like the weather, real life, too, can be so quick to change. The take away point is, and always has to be, look ahead-- brighter days are always there.
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